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Thursday, March 24, 2011
'You don't ever go out huh? You don't drink or have fun or do anything right?'

From someone I barely even know... and yet how right is he in making those assumptions about my life right now, really? Am I that transparent? How did it come to be like this... I tried to defend myself - it's just that I'm busy with uni, well it's my last year and I just want to do well, I don't like clubbing... Uh yes I used to drink and smoke but not right now BUT WHO KNOWS tomorrow I might let loose and be wild, wild wild like a 21 year old should.

Then I held my tongue despite how crushed I was that someone I barely even know told me that I must live a super boring life... SIGH.

I sometimes think I went a little bit too crazy in HS and had a bit too much fun and now I just want to do nothing. I just want to be sensible and drive at the speed limit but then I get a little bit of alcohol in me and I'm like a whole other person. Is it because I have another personality just being suppressed inside me and then alcohol just brings her out? Suddenly I can't put the drinks down! I think it's sort of embarrassing really, being drunk to the point of slurring, to the point of throwing up because it means I've lost control.

Right now I'm psychoanalysing mysel and I realise it comes down to control. I control every little thing in my life from gym routines and days to home work to work and to relationships. Most of the time I feel like well if everything is going to plan then I'm glad and when things don't... OMG I just lose it. My mum (and boyfriend) tells me I'm a psychologically unhealthy for doing that. I just make plans to the smallest details and then everyday if I tick off everything on my plan then I'm good and I feel complacent.

I wish I could have told that guy who asked me that question today, what a fun person I used to be. WHAT A BADASS I USED TO BE. He asked 'Did you go to Future... (almost HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF FUTURE?)' ......... That surprised me. I don't think anyone who meets me now would ever believe the things I got up to a few years ago just like no one who knew me then would believe the person I have become.

The crazy thing is. I don't know how or when this control freak in me took over.......

I think I need to drink more. I'm losing my mind.