Unsent #19
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Where do I begin?

Do I think you will wait around for me? Were you such a nice guy and was I so blind? Would you have been that nice to anyone or was I really something special to you?

Four years. I feel like this is only the beginning, the calm before the storm. How can I possibly be all cried out after 1 day? It will only get harder and I know this. Am I strong enough to walk alone?

Why did I listen when they said being single was better, that I might find better. WTF is better? Is better richer, better looking, taller, more intelligent? No. Better is being happier.

So the question becomes: Was I happy? Mostly I was. I was a person who was safe from harm, protected by the knowledge that I belonged. No matter what the world had me facing, I had a partner in crime, a team mate and a best friend. I had a shoulder to cry on if ever I needed it. It became that I only depended on him. He became the bearer of all my burdens. How could I subject him to a life as a bearer? I often told him that he needed to do his own thing and get his act together. Truth is, it never occurred to me that he as too busy holding my act together, carrying all my baggage. He had no time to love himself because he was so devoted to me.

Perhaps the most selfless thing I've ever done for you, my love, was to let you go and find yourself and love yourself. I need to learn to carry my own burdens, I need to feel pain and hurt in order to truly cherish and appreciate you. Maybe then it will be too late. Once you see you who really are, you may not want me anymore. You might see the reality of our relationship.... That you truly deserved better.